Two hundred and sixty weeks.
One thousand, two hundred and eighty-six days.
That’s how long we’ve been living with autism. Actually, scratch that. We’ve been living with it for fourteen years, but we didn’t know what it was until five years ago. We were a little slow on the uptake.
Five years is a kind of a milestone, isn’t it? So naturally, I did a bit of looking back at both the highlights and the lowlights to see how far we’ve come and to think a little bit about the future. Here’s what I came up with.
From Fear to Acceptance.
First, the diagnoses themselves. From the first one, when our lives began to change, to the last one, which was more or less a given, I can see somewhat of a progression.
• With the first diagnosis, in March of 2009, there was fear. Would he ever talk? Would he ever be independent? Would he wander off one day and get hit by a car? Would he spend the rest of his life alone?
• Then came the second diagnosis, in May of 2009. This time, there was a combination of relief and anger. Relief because we finally had a name for her quirkiness and emotionality. Anger at her pediatrician, who had told us it was only a matter of bad parenting.
• Then came the third diagnosis in September of 2010. This time, there was mostly guilt. Guilt because of all the lost years. Guilt because this was our oldest, so he had to bear the most years of our misunderstanding him. The signs were there early on, but I didn’t want to see them.
• With the fourth one, in March of 2011, there was a sense of validation. I had called it early on this time. This little fellow spent almost an entire year insisting that he wear nothing but red shirts and shorts. He would also get so absorbed in building Legos that he would forget to go to the bathroom.
• Then came the fifth in early 2012. This time, there was laughter. I had seen so much with the first four that nothing was a shocker. Besides, by this time, my attention had turned to working with the kids’ schools. Frankly, I had bigger fish to fry than to react to something I was beginning to think was inevitable.
• I’m sure I felt something when the last diagnosis came during the summer of 2013. I just can’t remember what it was. Nonchalant acceptance, maybe? More or less, I took it in stride. Nothing could shock me anymore. It just gave us more insight into this sweet little girl.
Not Just Labels.
But besides the accumulation of labels, there are some other milestones. During this time, I have:
• Attended more than 30 IEP meetings at three different schools.
• Spent nearly $50,000 in autism-related medical and psychological treatments, schools, medicines, and therapies for my kids.
• Lobbied our state representatives for increased funding for our local autism center—and won.
• Taken more than 15 stress-relieving day trips to Disney World.
• Seen the dissolution of two friendships—one close, the other not so much—because of misunderstandings or judgments about our family.
• Seen two other friendships slip into casual acquaintances. Not because of any malice but because our paths rarely cross any more. (Let’s face it. I rarely cross paths with anyone these days!)
• Met other autism parents online, in whom I have found encouragement, humor, common experiences, and wisdom.
• Fallen more deeply in love with my wife, whose commitment to our kids never ceases to inspire me.
• Made peace with God over the whole situation. Ironically, I bear fewer external markers of my faith than I have in decades (e.g., commitment to a Bible study, membership in a small faith community, parish involvement), but I feel more strongly connected to the Lord and my faith than ever before.
Accepting a Constant Presence.
So yeah, it’s been a wild ride. There have been wonderful triumphs, like the day our four-and-a-half-year-old finally got potty trained. And there have been crushing blows, like the day one of our kids, in a full-scale melt down, grabbed a kitchen knife and threatened to cut himself. There have been strings of days when we’ve wondered if it could ever get any worse. And there have been times when everyone seemed to be firing on all cylinders and we could breathe easier.
But through the ups and the downs, autism has been a constant presence. I know I said a few years ago that not everything is about autism, but I don’t think that’s true any more. Autism is an integral part of who my kids are, and that means it shows up in just about every aspect of their personalities. They’re not being autistic only when they’re melting down or misinterpreting social situations. They’re just as autistic when they’re happy and making excellent progress. They do everything a little bit different, and that’s part of what makes them so unique.
I guess this means that I no longer look at autism as a scaly, ravenous monster ready to devour my children. There are days, mind you, when it seems like that’s happening. But there are many more days when it feels more like an awkward, galumphing puppy that you have to keep an eye on—you don’t want it peeing on your floor or chewing your furniture!
So have I come to a point of acceptance? Yes and no.
Accepting my kids and their unique neurologies? Absolutely.
Accepting the fact of their diagnoses? Pretty much, although there are times that I lose sight of it.
Accepting that this is how they’re going to be forever? No. I’m not trying to fix them, but I am trying to teach them how to be as successful as possible in a world that can seem so bizarre, alien, and even frightening.
What’s around the Corner?
And that’s where the future comes in. As I stand at the five-year mark, I can be proud of what we’ve accomplished, even as I peer nervously around the corner to see what’s still waiting for us. I know every year will have its own challenges and triumphs. I also know better than to assume that the worst is behind us. No one can say that with any degree of confidence. But I can say that the past five years have changed and shaped me in ways I never expected. They have shattered old misconceptions and built up new, stronger convictions. They have revealed a shallowness in my heart and taught me how to love more selflessly. And they have taught me never to put limits on what I—or Katie or any of my kids—can do.
There are many more obstacles to overcome, many more challenges to face down, many more threats to neutralize. There’s so much more we haven’t experienced yet, but I think we’ll be able to handle it.
Just as we’ve done for five years.
So sad about the dissolution of some of your friendships but so great that you love your wife more than ever. Most of all, so joyful that you walk with God. I only have one child with autism and it’s been a phenomenal adventure of 16 years ever since she was diagnosed. I can only imagine what it’s like with 6 kids in the autism spectrum. Your stories are truly uplifting.