Thanks, Mom

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There she is. Mom.

This picture was taken back in 1996, during one of my visits to her and Dad’s home in Sarasota, Florida. I have another picture of her from two years later that means a lot more to me. But I’m reluctant to share it because it contains our entire wedding party, and I try not to post pictures of people without their permission.

Anyhow, the story I want to tell has to do with my wedding to Katie in 1998 and the role Mom played in making it special—as well as the role she continues to play, even though she has long passed on.

A Special Wedding Gift.

Two months prior to our wedding, Mom was pretty sick. The leukemia she had lived with for years was beginning its final march on her system. We weren’t sure she would make it to the wedding. We even began looking into moving the wedding to Sarasota so she could be with us. Continue reading

A Gracious Apology

Sorry in the Sand

A couple of days ago, I posted about an online article that appeared on a Catholic website, which I felt portrayed autism in a hurtful and inaccurate way. I mentioned that I had contacted the author and asked him to either reword his piece or remove it altogether. I also promised that I would keep you all informed.

Well, guess what? He got back to me, and in very good time. His first message was part self-defense and part apology for any way I felt hurt by his words. He was gracious in his words, but unwilling to make any concessions. His message came late in the evening, and I was too tired to formulate a response that would help him see the effect his words were having on the autism community. So I went to bed a little disappointed, but ready to continue the discussion the next day.

When I woke up, I was greeted by another e-mail in which he said that after sleeping on it, he had decided to take down his article after all. Sadly, he was hampered by the fact that another site had picked up his piece, and he no longer had control over where it was going. So he came up with another solution—one that really touched my heart. He attached the following note to the beginning of his article:

AUTHOR NOTE:  In an attempt to address a serious problem I feel impacts the Church, I attempted to use autism as a metaphor.  I made a sincere effort to do so sensitively, based upon my understanding of the disorder. Since then, it has come to my attention that many people have been offended by my characterization of autism and my use of it in this context.  It was never my intention to offend any parent of a child with autism or any person with autism.  I have nothing but the deepest respect for the many people I know personally who live tremendously admirable lives in the face of the challenges autism spectrum can present.  Unfortunately, circumstances prevent me from simply removing this post (which I would have preferred to do to avoid unintentionally spreading any ignorance about autism), but I would like anyone who reads this to know that I am sincerely sorry for any offense I have given and that no disrespect was intended by my original article.  For those who would like the best information on how people with special needs can be welcomed in the Church and supported in their faith development I encourage readers to visit and support the National Catholic Partnership on Disability.  I thank you for your understanding.

What a kind gesture! He could have let the whole thing go and just move on. But he chose to speak honestly and humbly, acknowledging the hurt he had caused. I was quick to reply and thank him for what he wrote—and for listening to my concerns in the first place.

See what happens when you advocate for your loved ones? It wasn’t easy for me to write to this fellow; I was putting myself out there in a way I don’t normally do. At least not to strangers. But I knew I had to do something. I’m just grateful that he was reasonable and open-hearted enough to listen. But even if he wasn’t, it still would have been worth it. Some things are too important to remain silent about.

The Unfortunate Theory of “Spiritual Autism”

Buzz & Woody Broad Brushstrokes

So this was fun—not. Last Thursday, a Catholic blogger named Gregory Popcak posted an article titled “Spiritual Autism and the Catholic-Evangelical Divide.” In his article, Popcak describes people on the autism spectrum in the following way:

Their brains tend to see people the same way they see objects. They aren’t good at picking up or even appreciating the need for emotions and emotional cues.  In fact, the emotional demands of relationships often feel intimidating. Because of this struggle with the relational dimension of their experience, they tend to become fixated on curious hobbies and obsess over minute details.

Needless to say, I was offended by this characterization, and I found it to be demeaning of people on the autism spectrum. My children definitely do not look at Katie and me as objects. They may struggle with relationships, but not for the reasons Popcak states. If anything, the “Intense World Theory“ explains their struggles much better than the “Robot” theory he is espousing. The same goes for the many other autistic people I have come to know. They know the difference between a person and a thing, and they know how to treat people like people. Again, they may have some struggles in knowing how to relate or in regulating their emotions—causing them to shut down or retreat into their shells—but it’s not for a lack of trying.

What’s worse, Popcak uses the term “spiritual autism” to describe a certain deficiency in some Catholics’ spiritual lives—that they favor ritual and routine over relationship and interaction. That may well be the case for some, but it’s unfortunate that Popcak links this spiritual “deficit” to autism. It gives the impression that autistics aren’t capable of religious sentiment or spiritual experience. Again, it may be challenging, but it’s not impossible. (As an aside, I’m not a fan of his theological premise either. It sounds as if he is setting ritual in opposition to relationship, which isn’t wholly the case. But that’s for another time and another place.)

Yesterday, I wrote Popcak an e-mail stating my objections and asking him to either reword or remove his piece. I also posted a brief comment objecting to the article on his Facebook page. We’ll see if and how he responds. I’ll keep you posted. In the mean time, feel free to post your own comments on his page if you want. Just be sure to keep it civil and short. I don’t want to start a hate campaign against the fellow. He’s just misinformed, and a sloppy writer. He should know better than to paint with such broad—and harsh—brushstrokes.